Broken
by kybeech
Summary: Taekook/Vkook platonic. Jungkook is broken and he turns to the person who makes him feel like he can be fixed. Maybe he can feel safe again. Self-indulgent as hell. TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm. Please don't read if that makes you uncomfortable.


**Again, trigger warning: self-harm. A lot of my unhappy thoughts and based on a lot of Anson Seabra's songs bc he articulates things well.**

After six years, Taehyung knew that Jungkook shouldn't be afraid to do this. They had shared a bed before, so what? Taehyung was a cuddly person and Jungkook was cold a lot of the time. It wasn't a common occurrence by any means but it wasn't as if it had never happened before. So when light from the doorway woke Taehyung up at nearly one in the morning and he saw Jungkook in the hall, he didn't expect the younger to look so small.

"Kook?" his voice rasped from sleep and, even in the darkness, he could see Jungkook blushing. His hands were buried deep in his sleeves and his head was stubbornly lowered.

"C-can I sleep with you, hyung? H-here, I mean," he asked shyly. Jungkook didn't look twenty-two at that moment. He looked fifteen again. Taehyung immediately nodded and smiled, pulling back the covers to welcome Jungkook in. Jungkook shuffled in and shut the door. He climbed onto the bed and lay down, not as close as Taehyung was expecting. Looking over Jungkook carefully, Taehyung noticed the younger's eyes were puffy and slightly reddened.

"Jungkook?" he whispered and Jungkook didn't react, despite him clearly being awake. "Please tell me you're okay," he asked. And regretted it. Because Jungkook curled up more, his fists balled up protectively and he sobbed quietly. Taehyung instinctively moved closer, stroking his hand through Jungkook's smooth, albeit damaged hair.

"I don't wanna lie to you…" he sniffled quietly. Taehyung realised that this wasn't just Jungkook having had a nightmare. It wasn't Jungkook beating himself up over a mistake. This was more real. This was worse. Taehyung gently dried the tears that had fallen and stroked Jungkook's cheek soothingly. His fists loosened somewhat and Taehyung counted that as getting somewhere. There was still a long way to go, he knew.

"You don't have to tell me anything. We don't have to talk. I just want you to be safe," Taehyung assured him and Jungkook turned onto his back. He looked like he had stopped crying, making Taehyung relax slightly. He was really not used to seeing Jungkook cry.

"Say that I wasn't safe. If, maybe, I wasn't okay. If I'd been lying… what would I have to do to make myself better?" he asked weakly. Taehyung sighed shakily, not prepared to hear his friend break quite yet.

"Talk, tell someone. As I said, it doesn't have to be me. But please, Jungkook, let your mind out to someone," he implored and Jungkook was silent for a minute, his silhouette emboldened by the city lights outside the window.

"What if…" he tried. Hypotheticals, Taehyung noted, were Jungkook's way of coping. Not admitting anything, just putting forward questions. "What if I wasn't golden?" he asked. Taehyung frowned, not quite understanding how lightly Jungkook was starting.

"What do you mean?" Jungkook let out a breath.

"What if I wasn't as perfect as you think I am?" he asked quietly. "What if I've been lying, not only that but trying to lie to you all?" He paused. "Tell me you don't think I'm perfect," he said.

"And why would I do that?" Taehyung pushed for more of Jungkook's thoughts. He was clearly having doubts but this felt like barely scratching the surface.

"You'd believe me, r-right? If I said… if I told you I wasn't perfect, that I wasn't okay, you'd believe me?" he asked, both hope and despair slipping into his voice. Taehyung found his hand under the covers but Jungkook didn't hold it back as tightly.

"I would. You'd need to tell me a little bit more, maybe," he answered and Jungkook turned towards him again.

"What if- " he began.

"Please, no more 'what ifs'. I want you to tell me the truth," Taehyung told him. Jungkook lowered his head again.

"Okay. I'm… not okay. I'm not perfect and definitely not as perfect as everyone says. I'm not golden. And please don't try to talk me out of it because that's not the point. I know I look perfect and that's because I try to. I don't want people thinking I'm not okay so I become perfect but I'm not. I'm barely even safe from myself and it scares me so much. I'm trying to stay like I usually am but it's just so hard. People think I'm golden because they know what I've been through but they don't know I'm still going through it. If they could spend one second inside my head they'd see…"

"See what?" Jungkook let out so much and he couldn't close up now. If he did, Taehyung knew, he might never open up again. But Jungkook stayed quiet and Taehyung let him.

"Hyung, am I broken?" he asked with a cracked voice. "Am I really that flawed that having someone know what I'm going through would hurt? I'm so scared all the time that someone can see inside my head and I don't know what to do. I want to be okay, I really think I do, but I don't want to tell anyone who I am. No one knows this but it's been so long and I'm starting to think that maybe I can't do this. I'm trying, I'm trying my best, I promise but I can't, hyung, I can't," he sobbed again. Taehyung, despite all of this, had one thing on his mind.

"You said you weren't safe. I know it's hard, Jungkookie, but you haven't…" he trailed off, not wanting to finish, but Jungkook shook his head.

"I don't think I could. I know I'm physically able but I couldn't. Marks, anything like scars would be noticeable, millions of people could see it. Everyone would see my flaws and they'd see who I am. It's our job to be unreachable, untouchable and so many of our fans do it that I don't think I could bring myself to let them know that their golden symbol of hope is as weak as them. I'm not doubting that it would bring me comfort because I know it would, I'm sure of it. But I wouldn't be able to live with myself afterwards. What would I have done, Tae?"

"Y-you're being hypothetical again…" Taehyung realised with a hitch in his breath. And at that, Jungkook broke.

"W-what did I do? I'm s-sorry, I'm so sorry… What the fuck have I done?" he sobbed, curling up again, letting go of Taehyung's hand. Taehyung cried with him. Because just what had he done? He was weak and he had given in, not seeing another way out. Presumably distraught and overwhelmed with guilt, he had run to Taehyung's room before realising that he couldn't tell anyone.

Taehyung shuffled closer and wrapped his arms around the shaking boy. They stayed like that for a while, Taehyung not daring to go to sleep despite the late hour. He would wait until Jungkook fell asleep or stopped crying. None of this could have been anything less than hell for Jungkook and Taehyung found himself wanting to see inside his head. To share his pain, at least know some of it.

Maybe ten minutes passed. Maybe fifty. But at some point, Jungkook stopped sobbing. Taehyung let out a quiet sigh of relief and stroked Jungkook's back. The younger breathed and unstable breath and sniffled lightly. Taehyung kept him close, not knowing what else to do.

"W-what am I gonna d-do?" he asked quietly.

"How bad was it?" Taehyung asked in response and Jungkook tried to think.

"I-I can show you?" He sounded so nervous and Taehyung understood. However bad it was, Jungkook could probably just about bear to look at it himself, let alone show someone else.

"Are you sure?" Jungkook nodded into Taehyung's shoulder and reluctantly let go. Taehyung reached across and flicked on the light, both of them wincing at the sudden yellow brightness. He tried not to cry at the state Jungkook was in: dishevelled hair, puffy eyes, red nose, wet skin and the most vulnerable, afraid look Taehyung had ever seen on him.

They sat up, cross-legged and facing each other anxiously. Jungkook was fiddling with his sleeves and not making any eye contact. The moment he looked up, Taehyung smiled reassuringly, making Jungkook smile slightly as well. He looked back down and slowly pushed up his left sleeve.

His forearm was striped with maybe nine or ten red lines. Taehyung leaned forward to get a better look. He reached out to touch the skin but hesitated as he realised that it might still be painful. He looked up at Jungkook, who nodded. Taehyung's fingers lightly brushed over the lines as if he could heal the with just his touch. Thankfully, they were mostly just scratches; he must have been scared, thank god. Two had broken the skin slightly but not enough to majorly scar.

"It's okay. Most of them should clear up in a few days," he reassured. "These two might take a little bit longer, though." Jungkook sighed and Taehyung retracted his hands. "Look at me," he asked and Jungkook hesitantly looked up. "It'll be okay. We'll see how bad they are in the morning and conceal them. Wear long sleeves for as much time as you can and you'll be alright. I'll help you as much as I can, I promise. All you have to do is promise me not to do it again." Jungkook pulled down his sleeve and nodded, staring at the comforter and murmuring,

"Promise…" Taehyung tilted his head.

"Look me in the eye and tell me again." He was being a little assertive but only because he truly needed to know that Jungkook would be okay. Jungkook sighed softly and made timid eye contact with Taehyung.

"I promise… I won't do it again," he mumbled and Taehyung smiled,

"Thank you. Come on, let's go to sleep, hm?" Jungkook nodded and lay back down as Taehyung turned out the light again, flicking the room into darkness. Taehyung pulled the blankets around them and cuddled Jungkook closely. After a minute or two, he whispered, "Jungkook?" Jungkook made a small noise in response. "I forgive you."

Jungkook snuggled closer, his hands making fists in the duvet and Taehyung's clothes. He pushed his head further into Taehyung's chest and whispered,

"Thank you."


End file.
